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  • paulie501

Falling In Love

Updated: Apr 3, 2022

I took a long break from writing for this website. I detoured through the summer of 21' and into an Autumn like no other. I lost myself in the rolling hills of Dorset & Wiltshire and explored the corners of any fields that would have me. I punctured the rain clouds and learnt about the grass and the soil. I looked hard at myself in a difficult summer's light. I fell off the edge of the wheel and landed in outer space.

I wasn't happy out there floating in the grey rumination of history. I was sad, and I was tired. Conversely, I couldn't feel a fucking thing. Nothing. And how I wanted to feel something... Anything except for tired.

So I picked myself up and put the bottle down. I decided to change the views around me. Literally to walk another path. They were all familiar steps, but the backdrops were at least a little different. But I still knew where I was. I couldn't get lost like I wanted to. I mean, "Getting lost is hard to find, until honey I found you." I continued to drink, but in a different place every night. And I would drink a beer. Not six. And by every night , I mean every night I ran the gauntlet of hedge rows and barbed wire. The weather was still fine, well as good as we had seen that year but it wasn't bright or warm enough to over ride my exhaustion. I was tired of the mundanity. For some, the last few months of my life may have been a big life adventure. For me...

A couple bar maids talked to me, but either the chat was wrong or the girl was wrong. I knew who I was looking for, but I didn't know where to find her. I walked for days, I swam naked when the opportunity arose, I asked friends if they knew where she might be. But no one had heard of her. Just me. And although we had met, I had never laid eyes on her before. So I didn't have a clue what she looked like.

But I could feel her you know? She was just around he corner. But I didn't know which one. I could hear her, there were just a few to many leaves on the trees to tell which way the voice was coming from. I could smell her shoulders, see the small in her back, but the wind was picking up just enough that I couldn't taste them in the breeze.

It was like being in a space movie, falling through time, being able to see the blue horizons of earth in obtuse peripheral angles as I fell aimlessly through the dark. But god, when she pierced through the glass of my helmet... I could fight off the G force for just a few milli seconds. When I could hear my own pores sweat and my breathe hold its own...She was the most beautiful thing I had never seen.

And there she was. Or she wasn't. Perhaps she still is or never was. I couldn't touch her. But she elevated me. There was no more cart wheeling through space desperately trying to steal a glance. My feet were turbo charged. I became a rocket, omni directional, potent, determined. Direct. I had a single meaning in my life.

Do you think any one else ever knows, ever feels the same way you do? Do they understand the pain in your stomach, know the sore in your eyes? Can they feel the burn in your tendons and the sinew snapping in your knee caps? Of course they can't. No one knows how it feels to be alive. For just a second, not even close.

My finger tips press firmly against the glass. I see the soft knuckles bend and flex and I enjoy the creases in them and the pressure on my flesh. I love the stillness in my helmet. I love the condensation of my breathe in my ears. I love the reflection of hot melted sand in the future.

And I love free fall. I'm not sure if we collide at velocity or reach out across the vast inequality of space and just catch each other with the softest of touch. I cant tell if we crash or if we burn, if we mean not to, or if we try. I don't know the difference between learning and remembering anymore. But here she is. She's light, golden, a fist in the night. Heavy, unforgiving, the kind of punch that makes you feel happy just to be able to wake up and feel something. Anything. Even if it's just to wake up and ache.

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